Friday, February 10, 2006
What Other Folks Think
The Truth about Women
I heard this on a commercial for John Boy and Billy on WROV the other morning. Nearly made me cry:
When it comes to finding the right woman, don't ever, ever, EVER fall for her saying "I'm not like anyone you've ever met before". Nonsense. She's a woman, isn't she??? And, except for physical traits, either real or manufactured, all women are exactly alike. Manipulative, clingy, and insane.As hard as it is to do, as some time, look into a woman's eyes. Look hard. And if you look hard enough, you can clearly see the circus that's going on inside her head. Clowns, midgets, and freaks. Everywhere. And they're all armed with knives, pitchforks, and flamethrowers, and they're coming after you.
Criticize her weight constantly. This keeps a woman off-balance. And self-critical. And, being a woman, she is far more absorbed in herself than she ever will be in you. This is a plus. While she's obsessing in the mirror, run for your life.
Although she will always deny it, she hates your friends. Why? The answer is simple. You have fun with them. She will never understand in a million years why you cant listen to her endlessly jabber about all the things that are important to her. Namely all the things that aren't important to you.
Another classic denial: "I like you just the way you are". This is the comment that will send the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding in the other direction. When this phrase escapes a woman's lips, prepare for the mother of all battles. It will start with the little things, like her picking out your clothes for you. But then comes the escalation: "Cut your hair", "don't bite your nails", "shave that beard", "eat more fruit", "pick up those clothes", "make more money", "drive a nicer car", "we need a bigger house", and then, finally, the kiss of death, "come home right now". When it comes to this, find the nearest cliff, and drive off of it.
And finally, always remember, women don't want you. They want you to be someone else. You're merely a blank canvas, an empty vessel, a clean slate for them to create their masterpiece. And they are going to turn you into that work of art even if it kills you. And, if it does kill you, they'll just find some other hapless, love-stubbed moron to destroy. Women are the eternal evil.
ND Sucks
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this holds up during the Weis era, too:
Irish Stewing By Tony Gerdeman
I know that I don’t speak for all Ohio State fans when I say that people just need to stop whining about Notre Dame getting an automatic bid for being in the Top 6 of the BCS poll. If there wasn’t a Top 6 stipulation for mid-majors, then we’d never be able to see a Utah or a Memphis or an Arkansas State or a Notre Dame in the BCS.
What the BCS has done is given teams that aren’t good enough to belong to a BCS conference an opportunity to show that they belong. And I’m sure that Notre Dame will be trying to prove that they are every bit the football power that Utah is. If there weren’t a Top 6 stipulation, then Notre Dame would be relegated to the Gator Bowl on NBC every year.
Don’t get me wrong, the Gator Bowl is a good bowl. It’s a New Year’s Day bowl game, after all. The problem is that it’s basically the rich man’s Humanitarian/MPC Computers Bowl in Boise, Idaho. Just like the MPC Computers Bowl is intended for Boise State every year, the Gator Bowl is intended for Notre Dame every year. The Gator Bowl is basically the old Humanitarian Bowl with racing stripes and power windows.
Giving Notre Dame, and all mid-majors, a chance to be in a BCS bowl game gives them the necessary exposure to compete with the Michigan States and the Boston Colleges of the world. If we don’t give UTEP, Eastern Michigan and Notre Dame a shot at the BCS, then we really haven’t progressed as a country. When Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, do you really think he meant that all men were created equal, except for SMU, Tulsa and Notre Dame? I don’t think so. The little guys have just as much right to a piece of the BCS pie as the big guys.
And so what if Notre Dame has lost seven consecutive bowl games. You can’t always expect to win 14.3% of your bowl games. If you look at their opponents over those seven bowl games, it’s easy to see why they were unable to overcome the big school mystique.
In the 1994 season, Notre Dame lost to Colorado in the ’95 Fiesta Bowl 41-24. Notre Dame, as a lone independent, did well to stay within 17 points of the Buffalo juggernaut in that game.
In the 1995 season, Notre Dame lost to mighty Florida State in the ’96 Orange Bowl 31-26. Yes, that Florida State. If you’re like me, you’re pretty impressed that they almost beat the Seminoles. Almost score one for the little guy.
In the 1996 season, there was no bowl. Probably because Notre Dame was unlisted in the phone book.
In the 1997 season, Notre Dame lost to LSU 27-9 in the Independence Bowl. Keep in mind that this was an LSU team that was representing the 4,000 pound gorilla known as the SEC. Had Notre Dame had the kind of backing that LSU did, you would have to think that they would have been far more competitive.
In the 1998 season, Notre Dame lost to Georgia Tech 35-28 in the ‘99 Gator Bowl. It was a tough loss, but not an unexpected loss, as the Yellow Jackets had won a National Championship less than a decade earlier.
In the 1999 season, there was no bowl. If I recall correctly, they didn’t want to be flying during Y2K.
In the 2000 season, Notre Dame lost in the ’01 Fiesta Bowl 41-9 to Oregon State. There is no truth to the rumor that they sold their entire ticket allotment to Nebraska fans. It was probably this game that epitomized the distance between a BCS school and a mid-major like Notre Dame or Tulane or Louisiana-Lafayette.
In the 2001 season, there was no bowl. The rumor was that Notre Dame was being discriminated against for only winning five games. Rather than get in a fight against the immovable NCAA, Notre Dame just decided to move on and focus on academics.
In the 2002 season, Notre Dame lost to North Carolina State 28-6 in the ’03 Gator Bowl. It had to be frustrating to be playing a major BCS opponent every year in a bowl game and never getting an opponent of comparable talent. Say a North Texas or a Northern Illinois or even a San Jose State.
In the 2003 season, there was no bowl game for Notre Dame. At the time, the speculation was that the winner of the Sugar Bowl between LSU and Oklahoma would play Notre Dame, but the “National Champion” Tigers reneged on the deal.
In 2004, Notre Dame once again lost to Oregon State. This time the bowl was the Insight Bowl and the score was 38-21. However, this time Notre Dame exacted their revenge on the hurtful Beavers by losing to them by fifteen fewer points than they did in 2001. This was a clear indicator that Notre Dame was definitely ready for that next step. That “next step” was aided last year when Utah made the BCS and walked all over mighty Pittsburgh. Notre Dame saw that and said, “If Utah can win a BCS game, then so can we!”
This year, Notre Dame will get that opportunity. And if history is any lesson, the Buckeyes better be ready. Notre Dame no longer sees itself as the pasty, red-headed stepchild of the NCAA. They see themselves as the under-cared-for middle child.
Well, on January 2nd, 2006, the middle child is going to make their definitive cry for attention and unleash a gauntlet of slaps and kicks the likes of which Ohio State has never seen. Will it be enough? It’s too early to say. However, if Ohio State isn’t careful, they could get a cornea scratched or a finger dislocated. Horseplay is dangerous.
As I think about Notre Dame’s place in the BCS, I’m reminded of the first time that I got to eat at the adults’ table for dinner at my grandma’s house. I was no longer stuck eating meatloaf on the coffee table watching PBS. I was in the kitchen, eating meatloaf and listening to conversations about PBS. And it was grand. I appreciated my step up just as I’m sure Notre Dame appreciates the step up the BCS gave them a few years ago. However, when I made my step up, I at least brought something to the table (and it wasn’t a possible NCAA record-tying eighth consecutive bowl loss). So here’s hoping Notre Dame appreciates the hand out given to them by the BCS. I’m sure Troy or Louisiana-Monroe or Florida Atlantic would switch with Notre Dame in a heartbeat. Don’t take this opportunity for granted, Notre Dame. Because next year a counterpart like Florida International may take it from you.
Mr Cranky Reviews "Brokeback Mountain"
God bless you, Mr. Cranky (and those're his links):
Warning: Euphemisms!
This movie is sort of like "Willy Wonka" meets "Lonesome Dove" because it's about cowboys and candy, if you ask me. It takes place in 1963 where two young ranch hands, Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis ("Don't call me anus") Del Mar (Heath Ledger) meet outside the office of Joe Aguirre (Randy Quaid) in Wyoming. Joe sends them off to spend the winter herding cattle on Brokeback Mountain.
It's on Brokeback Mountain that Jack and Ennis discover their mutual love of candy. Because candy is not something cowboys and "real men" normally get excited about, Ennis and Jack resist their urge for sweets, but after awhile, it gets the better of them. One night, Jack looks at Ennis and asks him if he likes fudge. Well, it turns out that Ennis loves fudge. In fact, they both love fudge so much that they're certain everyone they know would like fudge and they should send them some fudge, so the two of them spend a lot of time on Brokeback packing fudge. And not only do they discover they like regular fudge, but that fudge with nuts is excellent too!
Of course, both Jack and Ennis want to be known and respected as cowboys and not fudge packers, so once they part, they agree to keep their mutual love of fudge a secret. However, keeping that info a secret turns out to be a rocky road. Ennis marries Alma (Michelle Williams), who entices him with her goo goo cluster and pair of jelly rings. This causes Ennis to temporarily stop thinking about fudge because they even have a couple of runts.
Jack marries Lureen (Anne Hathaway) and though Jack knows in his heart that he loves fudge, Lureen uses her charms and gets him to try her Cherry Mash and after putting his tongue into the soft, pink center, he decides to keep on trying it good and plenty. But Jack longs for fudge even though Lureen thinks he's her big hunk. However, Lureen's father clearly suspects something is up. He pressures Jack to get a better job, as though the couple could live on 5th avenue or something.
But Jack and Ennis can't stop thinking about each other and they find themselves reunited after several years to take fishing trips, where they sit and marvel at the milky way and the occasional starburst that dots the sky above them like two slow pokes not cow pokes, as they share chuckles and pack fudge.
Although they both resist packing fudge, the urge gets the best of them, dominates and ruins their lives, turning them and us into sentimental, blubbering goobers.
Anne Hathaway in Shots from Havoc and Brokeback Mountain
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The Chronic-what?-cles of Lord Kundar
So What Has Kundar Been Doing Lately?
Here’s a short list:
--schoolwork
--job
--being broke
--enduring Christmas agony
--pleasant week in PA
--enduring PhD agony
--getting sick
And there you have it, an exhaustive report on my habits since my last entry months ago. Oh, wait, forgot one thing: I’ve watched a few movies, too.
The Season of Mediocre Film
Jarhead: Ultimately disappointing, especially in light of how it over-dramatizes Swofford’s account of the first Gulf War. For some reason, Mendes insisted on upping the story’s violence and conflict in relation to the source material, while still giving an honest go at thematic issues of the lack of violence and external conflict during the war. Yeah, I’m scratching my head at that one. Unconvincing visuals didn’t help its cause much, though I do think Gyllenhaal did a good job. And I have to say, the military details that set apart the best war flicks from the lesser ones seemed missing. Sadly, all of these faults come together in the pivotal final scenes, which is probably the worst bit of timing imaginable for a film. Also, some of the book’s really moving stuff (which took place after the war) is gone or cut into a ten second montage.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o )
King Kong: Well, if the Lord of the Rings trilogy was a case of masturbatory film making, then Kong has to be a freaking bukkake flick. Jackson basically took the script for the original King Kong, then threw in dinosaur fights until its runtime was doubled. Seriously, the plot seemed ripped out of the dinosaur stories I used to write when I was a kid. Here’s a partial scorecard:
KK ’33: The main characters get from New York to Skull Island in the first ten minutes of screen time
KK ’05: The same trip takes an hour
KK ’33: Features subdued romance between actress Ann Darrow and sailor Jack Driscoll
KK ’05: Features line-for-line reworking of subdued romance scenes into film as scenes from the movie in production, then have the actual romance occur between actress Ann and ultra-dull, non-heroic screenwriter Jack as portrayed by uber-wussy Adrien Brody
KK ’33: Crew gets attacked by a single sauropod
KK ’05: Crew gets caught in a sauropod stampede caused by bloodthirsty allosaurs that also chase the crew
KK ’33: Ann gets chased by a tyrannosaur
KK ’05: Ann gets chased by giant lizards, then frightened by giant centipedes, then chased by a succession of tyrannosaurs (and it should be noted that most of the animals chasing shouldn’t have been hungry)
KK ‘33: Kong fights a tyrannosaur
KK ‘05: King Kong fights three tyrannosaurs and silvers in gymnastics when everyone involved falls off a cliff and gets caught in giant nets of jungle vines
KK ’33: Spider pit scene deleted for scariness, but ends up improving placing and flow
KK ’05: Spider pit scene put in, which fucks up the Kong story, and brings in one of several unnecessary deus ex’s
KK ’33: Crew is a few average Joes with rifles
KK ’05: Crew is full of expert marksmen with Tommy guns
KK ’33: Kong fights a pteranodon
KK ’05: Kong fights a horde of bats
KK ’33: Kong kills one woman mistakenly, messes up a train, grabs Ann, climbs the Empire State building, swats a biplane, and dies
KK ’05: Kong kills a dozen women mistakenly, fucks up an entire intersection for a few hours, finds Ann, goes ice skating, almost gets wasted by a recoilless rifle, gets chased by the Army, climbs the Empire State building, swats two planes, takes twenty minutes to die, falls off the building
KK ’33: Lets you figure out on your own most of the themes
KK ’05: Annoying supporting actors fill you in
KK ’33: Has Robert Armstrong in Carl Denham role
KK ’05: Has Jack Black in Carl Denham role
And let me remind you this was partial. Holy fucking shit. Okay, but there were improvements. I appreciated the back-story on the Denham film (even if the execution was clumsy and bloated). The special effects were occasionally amazing (though sadly, more than a few shots looked distractingly fake and under-produced). The Kong/Ann romance worked well (though this was first seen in Dino’s remake. As he once said about one of his umpteen attempts to outdo Jaws: “Monkey die. Everyone cry.”) The Kong skeletons were a great touch. The scenes with the natives were great, especially the opening fight (and too fanciful to really fall into the racist clichés of the original). And as goofy as it was, I really dug the orchestra playing the original Kong themes (which not surprisingly were more memorable than the new music.)
Meh stuff included the little references about Fay and Cooper, Jack Black’s uneasy balance between acting and Tenacious D performance. I guess I got my money’s worth, since it clocked in at three hours, though I can’t say that it was a perfectly enjoyable experience.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o )
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe: Ready for another LOTR comparison? This is LOTR after being starved and kidified. And with some Jesus stuff thrown in. Fairly dull, lacking in scope, hamstrung by gee-whiz moments, and rushes too quickly for its own good. I will say that Neeson’s voice work for Aslan was pretty damn good (talk about a guy who’s done some interesting stuff lately), and Tilda Swinton’s witch was pretty good (though you’d be excused for mistaking her for Cate Blanchette in LOTR—imagine that). Unfortunately, seeing the book as a visual really emphasizes just how suited for five year olds it is. I did like the beavers, though. And it reminded me of when I was a kid reading those books, and poor Miss Coleman kept hoping that reading them would make me a good lil’ Christian.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o ) (and I bet the next six films will be of similar quality)
Syriana: Best movie I’ve seen this year, though if you have to know, it’s written and directed by the guy who wrote Traffic—and for Syriana, he basically rewrote Traffic into a political film, and topped it off by copying a few of Soderbergh’s stylistic points. Aside from that, though, it’s a fair film in that it acknowledges the situation of oil politics is loaded with moral ambiguity—the heroes are ruthless men with blood on their hands, and the villains are portrayed as real humans. It also does a better job of respecting the intelligence of its audience than any film I’ve seen in a long time, though if you do have your head up your ass concerning world events, you’ll be lost. Your own fucking fault, if you ask me. Of course, it isn’t flawlessly without moments of preachiness, short-changed characterization, and the ending, though interestingly dramatic, comes off as a bit forced.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o ) ( o )
Legend of Zorro: Mindless popcorn flick and mystery release of the year, though entertaining. Seriously, who the hell thought they were gonna sit on the sequel idea of a modest success like the first Zorro for five years, start the whole thing up again, release it with minimal advertising, and then make money off of it? The subplots suggested they were trying to catch on the DaVinci Code craze, and the weak promotion and not-so-great production values suggest it was a hedged bet on the studio’s part.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o )
I noticed a disturbing trend here. I saw very few films that had much chance of being any good. Film people who I like and support aren’t on this list. No art house flicks. The movies I said I was going to see or want to see—Capote, Brokeback Mountain, Munich, Lord of War, A History of Violence, Good Night, and Good Luck, The Constant Gardner, Walk the Line—none are on here. And the earlier movies, well, there’s no defending Doom. I’ll try to get Munich, maybe Match Point if it comes around this way. I guess if anything had a shot at being something different, something special, it would’ve been Jarhead. Oh well.
The Season of Mediocre Video
High Tension: Easily the dumbest film I’ve seen in a long time. It’s just another splatter flick with a twist more idiotic than most. And by idiotic, I don’t just mean too stupid to believe in itself, but covered up by the director’s blatant manipulation. Remember how all the pieces in Se7en fell into place, how they all fit even after you watched it a few times? Now imagine the opposite. Worse than Skeleton Key or Saw. Way worse. On the other hand, it does have a decent looking naked chick, and a little bit of fully-clothed female masturbation. Not a complete loss, I suppose. Oh wait, it was.
Boob Rating: - -
Mr. and Mrs. Smith: You think Angelina Jolie and automatic weapons would make for a cinematic masterpiece. But it didn’t. I seem to recall the one-liners being entertainingly zippy. And Angelina’s boobs looking big. But that’s about it. Kundar’s suggestion: watch Gia instead.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o )
The Quiet American: Well, it’s a faithful adaptation of one of my favorite books, and features two of my favorite actors. So you can guess what I thought of it.
Rating: ( o ) ( o ) ( o ) ( o
Skeleton Key: You might recall that I mentioned this flick earlier. I suppose if you’re a drooling simpleton, the outright lies and idiotic coincidences that get the ending in motion might entertain you. And if it did entertain you, I’m guessing you didn’t read this and just showed up to look at the boobies. I will say most of the stuff leading up to it was pretty good, though. And I liked the backside shot of Miss Goldie Hawn Jr.
Boob Rating: ( o ) ( o )
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind: The creator of the Gong Show moonlighting as a CIA agent? Yup, it's right up my alley. Probably the most poignant farce to hit the screen in a long time. Clooney directs with a sure hand, and Rockwell's portrayal of Barris is great--though I could've done without the numerous ass shots.
( o ) ( o ) ( o )
Recently Purchased CDs
System of a Down: Mezmerize: A slight departure from other albums in both format (it’s half of a split two-disc release) and texture (more play on the soft spectrum, Serj relinquishes quite a bit of the vocal duties). Still funny, still political, still thunderingly heavy at times, but the silly schtick is getting a little old; where Toxicity seemed blisteringly ironic at times, Mezmerize seems almost childishly simplistic. Not nearly as good as their best work, though tracks like “Revenga,” “Violent Pornography,” “Sad Statue,” and “BYOB” are definitely worth a listen, and enough for me to check out the second album, Hypnotize.
REM: New Adventures in Hi-Fi: Has a whole buttload of my favorite REM songs (insert Stipe joke here), including “Leave” and “Departure,” so it was a good used purchase. The first five tracks feel a little bland in respect to the rest of the album, though all-in-all, it’s a good disc.
Institute: Distort Yourself: Think Bush-meets-Size Matters-era Helmet-meets-Smashing Pumpkins-meets-…Gwen Stefani? Yup, I’m gonna have a hard time explaining this one. The first half is a lot of nu-Helmet-style drop C stuff; there’re some good riffs in there, and on the first track, “Bullet Proof Skin,” things come together to make a solid little song. But damn, the rest of it…well, let’s just say I’d forgotten how bad Gavin’s lyrics were. Holy shit. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t surround the worst of them with these huge pregnant pauses—“They’ve got airplanes/flying high,” or “Save…the robots,” or “When Animals attack…you need fire.” But even minus those, I still get mad just hearing “Deep fried in the heat of your love” sung with absolute sincerity, or “this boombox needs batteries” for no goddamn good reason. Half of the tracks, just when I’m starting to like them, I flip past when he opens his mouth. The album does pick up a little again when he sticks to clichéd stuff (yeah, I’m actually preferring that), though sadly the music changes tone and switches to a mainstream alt-rock feel. Nothing good, nothing great, though it’s listenable. I didn’t even mind the little Stefani appearance, mainly because she’s buried in the mix like a midget in a giraffe stampede.
College Football Wrap-up
Well, I’m proud to say I was spot-on in calling the Texas win, though honestly, it was more a testament to how overrated USC was as it was to how good the ‘horns were. Honestly, two squads who lose that many first round players, and they’re both in the title game? It was a weak year for college football. It's a crying shame when the networks blow these teams up to gigantic proportions for the sake of...what? Is the USC market share really that big? I dunno.
Now that I’ve mentioned that little gem of mine, I’ll admit I sucked in picking just about every other game. Holy cow, was I surprised early and often. Of course, because of work, school, vacation, etc., I didn’t get to see any damn games. Here are some final thoughts on the season, and some nearly final thoughts on recruiting:
--I listened to the ND/OSU game on the radio as I drove home from Pennsylvania. Not surprisingly, I spent the entire ride hoping someone would drop clusterbombs in the middle of the Fiesta Bowl.
--Remember that stranglehold VT and UVA used to have over in-state recruits? It ain’t working out that way this year. Part of it is because VA’s more top-heavy in five- and four-star recruits than usual, so the competition is greater, though there’s scrapping going on for the threes, too. Tech’s current and future needs at o-line aren’t getting addressed, and while defensive end looks solid (more in the NFL-mold in terms of size), Tech’s getting its butt whipped in terms of the DT’s and ‘backers they’ve most-heavily pursued. Penn State and Maryland in particular have been pains.
--Also, VT’s best recruit from Florida, DT Doug Thacker, whose dad was a Hokie footballer, seems to be about three degrees away from making a 180 on his Tech verbal, and going with FSU, due mainly to a late Bowden push.
--To make the loss of QB coach Kevin Rogers hurt double, he was Tech’s best recruiter in the northeast. The new o-line coach might be good in the Hampton area, though that hasn’t exactly been a problem spot for Tech lately.
And why not triple? Stinespring is taking over QB coach duties. Now, I’m not a Stiney hater, but getting a line coach to work with QBs makes me a little worried. Okay, a lot worried.
--Is Paterno actually cognizant of half the shit he says?
--(Insert angry thoughts about Marcus Vick here)
--Could you imagine how awesome the Penn State/FSU game would’ve been if they’d been playing for a chance at the national title? Or any of the BCS games, for that matter. “Plus One,” people. At the very least.
--If they open any more bowls, they’ll run out of D1 schools to invite.
--I don’t think Vince Young is going to be that great of a QB. The statistics are definitely against him. How many running QB’s in spread offenses who spend their time in shotgun are doing well in the NFL? And how the hell can you evaluate him? The only good D he played was Ohio State’s. I mean, hell, Fresno State put more points on USC than Texas did. I had the chance to watch a tape of the game, and honestly, with the excitement of the game gone, it really looked like USC lost the game, rather than Young winning it.
--Dunno about Leinart, either. Does he feel a little like Joey Harrington to anyone else? I mean, how fairly can you evaluate the QB of the most talented offense in football, who also happens to be playing in one of the weakest conferences in the NCAA. This isn’t like it was with Carson Palmer, who was the beating heart of his team, and carried it along. Leinart might not even be the fifth best pro prospect on his squad. I mean, if a QB playing in a defensive league like the SEC—on a team like Vanderbilt—gets a player of the year award, I’d almost think he was the best prospect at the position, at least in terms of hypotheticals (like everyone else in the world, I have not seen Vandy play this year).
And if Leinart goes to the Saints, well…bye bye career. Wonder if Norm Chow gives Tennessee the nudge to get his pupil playing for the Titans? McNair isn’t getting any younger.
--Speaking of overrated: what the hell happened to Elvis Dumervil? Either Tech’s first-time starter is really damn good, or Elvis is a Big East bust that got most of his sacks in clean up because of their DTs collapsing the pocket.
--And speaking of the Gator Bowl: That was quite frankly a horrifically reffed game. Tech and “Lewisville” players got away with cheapshots right and left (see Vick), the stuff that was called was bullshit, and quite frankly, I’m not sure you can eject Jimmy Williams because he doesn’t like the fact that a Foot Locker reject is bulldogging his arm.
And the non-personal foul calls were even worse. Phantom holds and pass interferences galore, among other things. I guess the only thing I can say is that it all evened out, and fortunately abated towards the end. Embarrassing all around. No word from the Big 10 on the fuck ups. Go figure.
--Getting back to Vick: but damn if Tech ain’t stocked with some high profile recruits at QB. You gotta figure at least one of them is a gamer. Now lets see if they’re coached up to their potential.
--Okay, here’s the world of weird in recruiting. Arkansas head Coach Houston Nutt is recruiting one of the top QB’s in all the land, Mitch Mustain. He gets a verbal from the kid, then dumps the QB coach Mustain really clicked with. So Mitch starts looking at other schools and Nutt goes into panic mode and hires Mitch’s high school coach to be the new Offensive Coordinator. A high school coach with no college coaching experience. And guess what? Mitch dug it, apparently, and is recommitted to the Razorbacks.
--On a side note, have the Razorbacks ever been good in our lifetime?
NFL Randoms!!!!!!
--Finally, a playoff game where the Patriots were on the receiving end of stupid turnovers, bad officiating, and weird rules. Hallelujah.
--Oh, and way to go Mike Vanderjagt. You stupid liquored-up kicker.
--Continuing the trend of the previous two randoms, was the past weekend not the ugliest weekend of professional football ever?
--Will Cowher finally win a Super Bowl? Because damn, how many other coaches out there have as many AFC Championship game appearances as this guy without a win in the Big One?
--Shaun Alexander, you just got knocked the fuck out.
--Lisa Guerrero posed nude in Playboy. So, here ya’ go, Purv:
Regular Randoms!!!!!!!!!
--I wanna put my pee-pee in your no-no place.
--Holy shit, Kundar’s on Facebook!
--What was George W. Bush’s position on Roe v. Wade
He didn’t care how people got out of New Orleans.
--Here are two lovely ladies, the always-sexy Lord Kundar in the background, and a strange, green-eyed demon in the foreground:
--Beem on the joys of talking to me over IM:
Lexlynn26: i think these little change-ups are good for a relationship
Lexlynn26: it's like having phone sex or something different like that
Lord Kundar: If I knew you liked AIM that much, I'd IM you more.
--Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think we care.
--Nothing like college applications to make you want to kill yourself. Or the idiots at ETS. Or the PhD departments of particular schools.
--Kundar Hits: Well, at last count, three kinds of people were regularly visiting the Temple during the lull: Current girlfriends, people looking for nudie pics of Ivana Trump, and people looking for nudie pics of Rosario Dawson. To satisfy the latter, I have included the following screen capture:
--Then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain
And she said please no don’t stop
And I said I caught a cramp
And she said please keep on goin
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax
And I said cool
Climax
Just let go of my leg
She says you're the perfect lover
I said I can't go no futher
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber.…rubber…rubber
--"It’s not how big the wand is; it’s how much magic is inside.” – Panthers Coach John Fox on the abilities of 5’ 9” wide receiver Steve Smith
--How many desperate housewives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Housewives don’t screw in lightbulbs; they screw in SUVs.
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
She's pretty and she's wonderful and she brings me medicine when I'm sick and she loves me and I love her more than I love pizza and fried chicken put together.
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Friday, November 04, 2005
Kundar Speaks!!!
In other big beastie news, the booming python population in south Florida has led to some run-ins between the snakes and gators. Here’s what happens when the matchup ends in a draw:
And yup, Kundar was in the West Stands when this happened. It’s almost scary that Tech can play a fairly conservative game and still almost triple a one-loss team's yardage:
Oh, and guess who was sitting behind Kundar? Sarah P (soon to be "G") and Garst. What’re the chances???
Who Ya Gonna Call?
As noted in the previous entry, Kundar took a little trip out of town. He was fortunate enough to stay in Pennsylvania for a few days with Lex and Leia, and just in time for the good stuff, was joined by Beem’s cousin Kristen. Yup, there was much hotness out there trying to feel up your favorite Kundar. Ah, living the good life.
But that’s not the point of this story. No, my story is about yet another way in which my girlfriend is a sexily loveable freak. You see, she’s a certified ghost-hunter (let us not ask about the veracity of this certification), and her idea of a good time is sitting around in graveyards with an electronic voice phenomena recorder, i.e., a tape recorder. No wonder I love her, huh?
Well, her hometown of Danville is chockfull of freaky shit. We toured a decent amount of it, but I’ll cut to the good stuff:
First off is the Danville State Hospital, which is a former insane asylum that currently holds a fair number of not-right criminals and juvenile delinquents. And it just so happens that somewhere in the back of this hospital is an uber creepy cemetery. Sounds like a good time.
So we scout out the prison. Interestingly enough, the buildings are locked and barred, and the recreational areas ringed with tall fences and razorwire, but the facility itself is open—in fact, it’s a community center of sorts, where kids come to play basketball and stuff like that. We just drive up in the middle of the night, tour around for a while. I notice what looks like a memorial plaque at the side of a parking lot, so hop out, take a look. Sure enough, it’s plaque for forty-some folks that had died while in services of the hospital. There’s a path running alongside the marker that leads back into the woods. Beem wants to jump right in and investigate, though cooler minds prevail and we make a note to come back in the daytime, when we’re less-likely to kill ourselves stomping around in the darkness. We drive around, find some other places to investigate (which is a polite term for trespass onto the property of distraught widows just because said widows live in isolated, creepy-looking houses).
Daylight comes and we check out the path and find the cemetery, which is just a hillside plot filled with rows of cinderblock-like markers that are denoted only by engraved numbers. Not too bad. We make sure we find it again, then decide to come back for a late-nighter. Kristen joined the LLB trio, and together we marched off cheerfully into the darkness. Well, not quite cheerfully. It seems that Miss Gung-ho from the previous night has gotten just a touch nervous, to the point that she repeated several times the things we’re supposed to say to keep the ghosts from following us home. Leia was disappointed by the instructions (apparently she found the idea of ghosts sitting in her lap on the way home amusing). We march into the woods, the rain pelting our jackets, the mud sucking at our feet. Lex keeps feeling strange cold chills. We walk down the trail to the very end. Where is the cemetery? Backtrack, find the rotted stairs we had missed, which are just rail ties held in place with rebar.
Well, that was fun, but not quite enough. How do we up the ante on that one? How about breaking into an abandoned house? So we head over towards this abandoned farmhouse-looking place near Beem’s residence, park close to it, and start hacking through the weeds to get to the front door. My little brave lovebug is happy enough just looking, though Kristen and I want to go inside. The nearest door is locked, so we sort of sidestep our way over to the front, peel back the vines, and try the front door. It works, but I gotta shoulder-ram it open so that all the stuff blocking it gets shoved back. You see, the house is owned by another family that lives nearby (friends of Beem’s) and they’d been using it as an oversized storage building. We climb over all these boxes of children’s books, abandoned furniture, and miscellaneous junk, and make it to a staircase. Yup, it’s time to hit the attic. We squeeze up the tiny staircase, search all of the rooms.
The girls find the attic, get inside of it. I don’t get a chance to. Kristen and Leia smell coffee when they get up there, and when they mention it, I make a crack about coffee grounds being used to cover up cocaine.
“What?” Beem asks? “Guys, we gotta get out of here,” she gasps. “They’ve been making drug busts all around here. I think this might be someone’s stash.”
I hold back a giggle and allow the ladies to pass by. It was quite charming to see the tension level hit the kind of peak that only imaginings of gun-toting coke dealers could bring. And not surprisingly, our next adventures around Christiansburg Middle School ended up stalking us all over the surrounding blocks, and resulted in a police call about us. You know, if our little informal MFA basketball league gets together, it’ll be just like high school all over again. Weird, huh?
Randoms!!!!
--Misbehaving will be punished by public spanking.
--“I think ya crazy if ya don’t deep throat; ya got no purpose, like a slow speedboat.”
--A certain friend of mine has never seen a “Star Wars” movie. Yet she might be soon purchasing a lightsaber. How interesting is that?
--AOL Headline: “Zoo’s Gay Penguins Split Up”
--I found Jordan Capri’s blog online. Poor girl’s apparently leaving the porn biz. It’s a sad day for wankers everywhere.
--This is either brilliant misdirection, or brilliant blondeness: "We have really great people though as the villains in this film, Thomas Haden Church and Topher Grace - Venom and Sandman. Maybe I wasn't supposed to say that." --Kirsten Dunst
--Nothing like seeing Danny “Grizzled Shrimp” Bonaduce ‘roided up. I’m guessing the market for AA’s is just gonna go through the roof once high school kids see how frickin’ “hyooge” Danny’s gotten. I mean, everyone knows how jacked Mark, Sammy, and Barry got, but goddamn, Big Danny’s so swole he stitches together bedsheets for shirts.
Steroid abuse my ass. He’s probably shooting up watered-down shit, or decided to cycle on just for the sake of tv. Or he’s a fucking idiot. The latter seems most likely.
And on further thought, will his androgen use lead to him loosing his Celebrity Boxing belt?
--Apple iProduct. You'll Buy it. And You'll Like It.
Do you like Apple products? Do you live for every product announcement, every incremental upgrade, every rumor and screenshot? Do you wank and blare and drone and fucking gurgle about Apple products morning, noon, and night? Then get ready for iProduct. You'll be blown away. No matter what it is.
--Burning bush?
And I let out a burning stream of urine
and let me tell you it was really hurting
--Yeah, I paid to see Doom. And I liked it. And I wanna write the sequel.
--Sheryl Swoopes and Mr. Sulu came out? VH1’s gotta be eating that up.
--The Halloween Party was a big success. Story and pictures will be forthcoming (methinks Tuesday/Wednesday, or thereabouts).
--
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
BREAKING NEWS
Thursday, September 29, 2005
And Many More!!!!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
It's Been a Good Weekend
